I’m Still Holding On

It’s over! I made it through another day where I just have to say thank you Lord, I got through it. I pushed through it, not because I wanted to but I had no other choice.

I wasn’t quite sure how to feel. I was conflicted. Without a doubt I know I am immensely blessed by the ultimate gift that keeps on giving. And Lord I’m ever so grateful for Jesus.

I remember hearing my grandma sing what a friend we have in Jesus. Tears would stream down her face as she sung every verse with so much passion. I now know for real what she was singing about. I can’t find anybody so faithful and I have definitely taken on many needless pains. But what I can say is my prayer life is on fleek. I got a main line with Jesus!

In the midnight hours you can’t call on nobody but Jesus. All day I tossed and turned just wanting the day to be over but I felt conflicted. I was conflicted because part of me had a victorious praise and the other part of me was lost. Have you ever been so lost that you don’t want to make a move in fear you will get lost even more?

I tried to sing some old school hymns I use to sing with grandma but it was too hard. I tried to go get a photo album but it was too hard. I tried to look at the video I took of my dad last Christmas opening up his gifts last year. What I didn’t know was this would be his final gift from me and that was way too much for me to process. So I opted to back up my video on Google Drive instead. I tried to muster up strength to accept invitations from friends to be with their families for the holiday but couldn’t. I literally couldn’t do anything.

I really tried, I mean I tried it all and nothing worked. I so wish in this case people could understand my efforts. I can’t say I sat around crying although I did have a few tears. Christmas Eve somehow managed to bring on the waterworks.

As I sit here in the early morning hours the day after I now realize what I was feeling. I felt empty. I’ve never really felt empty. Wow grief allows you to feel all kinds of emotions you’ve never felt. I felt empty because part of my why is gone.

Emptiness leaves a huge void. You can’t really put your finger on it but you know something is missing. Everyone keeps talking about new traditions but nothing is sticking at the moment. And I’m not going to force it. But I am aware new things have got to take shape. I can only pray to God next year will be better.

The best comparison I have is feeling like I’ve been in a boxing ring all year. Except this is a real fight for my life, my sanity, my peace. Some days I take some big blows where I’m down but not out. Something way down on the inside says girl get up and try again. I might be crawling or hanging on to the rope but dear God I’m still here holding on and I don’t plan to let go.

By some standards I should just keep going as if a part of me wasn’t ripped away. But I tell those people just keep on living!

Until next time…

Look FORWARD!

PNWSpeaks

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