It’s been a minute since I’ve felt up to blogging. I’ve had a whirlwind of emotions over the last few weeks well really all year (I’ll write about that later). Many want you to do things and when I tell you I so wish I could I really wish I could. Everyday is a struggle to get up and get going. Some days I straight up feel paralyzed.
I get it nine months later I should probably be able to run a marathon. But the truth is I really just started walking again. I had a conversation on the phone earlier in the week with someone I didn’t know but we crossed paths. She mentioned understanding what I was going through and said but now that’s the past so you just got to face that you are still here.
No kidding I’m fully in tune that I’m still here. I get frustrated when others feel like they can setup my timeline for progress. I genuinely believe she meant what she said in a sincere way but the choice of words really set me back.
I’ve had so many setbacks unbeknownst to people. I don’t say anything because I don’t want them to walk on egg shells around me. It’s bad enough that many have vacated because they don’t know how to deal with a grieving person. I wish I could walk around with a billboard and say it’s okay to say his name or ask how I’m doing. I wish I could tell people to not wait to come around because I seemingly appear to be doing better. And then I realize I have false expectations.
I can’t expect others to know how to treat me, empathize with, or even how to love me. If I wasn’t me I probably couldn’t even handle me to keep it real. But I’m so thankful that He can meet me wherever I am. He allows me to back out of situations, change my mind, say no, be up one minute and down the next. I promise you nobody will rock it out with you like Jesus. In the end He has sustained me. He knows my heart. He knows I have good intentions. I just hope others realize what I do is a direct reflection of my grief and the other brokenness that has subsequently followed.
Though I’m hurting I still love and care.
Until next time…