Where has the time gone is what I keep asking myself. Time is going so fast yet it feels so slow for me. I feel as though I’m trapped in time while the world keeps moving. But time doesn’t wait for anyone.
This past Wednesday I finally got started with my healing to turn my mourning back into joy. Part of the reason why it took me so long to go for counseling was because I wanted to semi get some control around my feelings so others wouldn’t see me so broken. That comment likely sounds odd to most because it is true you should seek immediate help when you are in pain. But this pain is so different. You really can’t describe it to anyone because it’s so constant. The pain simply won’t go away. And just as you think you’re getting better it seems as though you take another step back.
Last week I finally was able to put my finger on why this pain is so different. I experienced a devastating loss almost 13 years ago with my grandmother who was my everything. I was somehow able to bounce back and keep going but the loss of my dad weighs on me like a ton of bricks leaving me to feel alone, sad, depressed, inadequate, tired, frustrated, and angry. I finally figured it out. The loss of my dad is my defining moment that changed everything.
This loss has rocked my world and literally turned everything upside down for me. And the truth is I kind of get angry that I’m left to endure all of these feelings. My first counseling session has taught me my feelings are totally normal. I had no idea the many side effects of grief. No one really talks about it so when that defining loss occurs you feel isolated and off balance.
I also now know why the girl who grew up in church and loves God has struggled to be in the place of worship. I’m not mad at God but some days I do wonder does He hear my prayers. The truth is deep down I know He hears me, feels me, and loves me but during my time of loss I find it hard to be in His presence. I want to praise Him more even when I don’t feel like it but the weight of grief sometimes doesn’t even allow me to say thank you Jesus. I’m so thankful that God knows my heart because I do believe in a anyhow praise.
Well today I finally made it back into corporate worship. Due to travel I haven’t been able to physically be in the house but I know His house dwells in me. And even after the many weeks of missing in person worship I really didn’t want to go today. I literally had to force myself to get up and go because I know my faith can’t survive on just the things I see or feel. I know I desperately need the word so why is it a struggle?
I’m learning none of these things are coincidentally happening to me. I’m literally grieving and have a knot of emotions. I’m also learning if I can’t do something it’s best for me to move on to the next best thing. Today is a really hard day. In fact, rather than writing this blog I should be polishing up my resume for another job but for today and in this moment this was my next best thing.
I don’t know how but I’m determined to look FORWARD. And I’m so thankful that even though I don’t feel like doing many things I’m still trying to put the pieces of my broken life back together.
Until next time…